Joining the mafia

Not a lot new around here....Drama Queen wore the two piece (with board shorts) so I let her "win" that battle....One of my best friends from high school called me out on that and won me over (she made me feel REALLY old :) thanks C) but I probably would have broke down and let her wear it anyway because let's get real here folks (having been a 13 yr. old awhile ago OK a long while, I know the first thing I probably would have done was "borrow" a two piece from my friend), so as not to encourage deceit and lying I gave in..... Friend pointed out I should pick my battles and since I am sure there are so many more to come I guess I will concede to fight another day........I am currently speaking to Drama Queen on an as needed basis only because she hurt my feelings/made me mad b/c she did NOT call me while she was gone after telling me she would call me EVERYDAY.....I gave in and called her once and she was rude and short on the phone (knowing I could not ground/beat her from that far away) so I refused to call her (cause I'm real mature like that) - I still at the age of 35 talk to my mother AT least once a day (call me a mommas baby if you like....) and so I do not think this was unreasonable so I could make sure things were going well, she was OK, and having a good time, etc.....I was only asking for maybe a few minutes before she went to bed or something......I will probably forgive her after she grovels for a few days.....

I did go back to work (YAY!) doing the contract job for an insurance company - so at least it is income, unfortunately that leaves me less time to do important things like sit and read blogs, play on the computer, etc......However, I have found time for my latest obsession which is Mafia Wars on facebook....This is highly addictive folks.....Anyone who knows me well knows I have an inner gangsta anyway......( I mean where else can I become a slumlord, rob a pimp, and steal a car all in one day?) So when I asked husband to help me think of a good mafia name he says "Girls don't join the mafia, haven't you ever watched the Godfather?" To which I replied "Well, maybe there are girl gangsters - they just don't get caught and that's why you don't hear about them...." How sexist is that? (Making me all the more determined to be the "best gangster" I can be....)So anybody got any name suggestions for me? It has to be feminine, yet tough.....

what's worse than swimsuit shopping?

No, I wasn't thinking of going to the gynecologist and dentist the same day (although that probably tops swimsuit shopping) That would be swimsuit shopping with a teenager...For anyone who has not done this it may very well be one of the circles of hell......Drama Queen got invited to go to the beach with a friend next weekend for spring break (man, I wish I had friends like that...) so this of course requires a small shopping trip for a couple of pair of shorts and a new swimsuit.....Her daddy would very much prefer any swimsuits involving her look similar to this...

Which is a pretty far stretch from the cute little bikini she wants from Aeropostale....Last year we had major drama when she got invited to a friends birthday party which was being held at a water park....She of course wanted to wear her bikini (which her daddy let her have with the understanding it was to be worn only in our pool or around girlfriends....NOT in public...) it turned into a full fledged meltdown that involved tears, cries of becoming a social outcast (yeah, we hear that one a lot), etc.....After the final ultimatum of you wear a one-piece or you are not going, she sucked it up and wore it.....Then when I dropped her off I swear to god every other girl there (probably 8-10) had on a damn bikini (proving apparently she was gonna be a social outcast - but, oh well what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....) all these other girls who come from "good" families and a few whose parents I would have thought would have actually been more conservative than me...Now I know the whole if everybody else jumped off a bridge thing, but I did realize when I saw all the other girls maybe we were a little too strict on this....and who really wants there kid to be the one sticking out like a sore thumb (can you believe I, a 35 year old am falling for the peer pressure?)

So here we go to the mall...I let her try on the bikini and make her try on the only one piece in the store which is a "monokini" - the crazy thing is to me the monokini looks more obscene then the plain ole' bikini...Yes it does have a little more fabric and the stomach is covered, but the way it cuts in on the sides is just suggestive or something - I don't know it is just kinda weird to me....I think her daddy's biggest problem is not only is she growing up, but she actually looks pretty good in a bikini (of course, who wouldn't when they are a freaking size 0 and haven't had 3 kids, and stretch marks that look like a roadmap of China) which of course means evil hormonal teenage boys would be looking at his baby.....so I let her get the bikini and tell her she has to try it on for her daddy (Hey, if he could try and make me look bad over the offering to buy new cheerleading tryout shoes, this is the least I can do - payback is hell ain't it...)

We get home, and I tell her to go ahead and try it on for him. He immediately says if it has to be tried on for him, he knows he probably ain't gonna like it...So she parades into the living room and he looks at her and then at me (kinda like I have two horns growing out of my head or I am the antichrist) and says "I cannot believe your momma would buy that for you, and where is it you think you are gonna wear it?" So I try and do some damage control, and say "well, you know she is going to the beach so she plans on wearing it there?" Again, I get the look from him....She gives me the "help, I know I am sinking look," and I am caught between the two...I mean he can be pretty old school at times - don't even get me started on that freaky music he makes us listen to that gags us all at times....but I too am stuck with the realization that yes, members of the male gender will be checking out my baby.....So what to do? I am not really sure - the tags are still on the bikini and I am torn....Words of wisdom would be appreciated in a prompt manner since she leaves on Thursday....

This brings home what people say about "boys are easier"...Yep, deciding I agree on that one - cause hopefully I will never have to deal with one of the boys wanting a bikini (or we will have much bigger problems than the bikini apparently....)

To Serve and Protect - NOT

I know the suspense has been killing ya right?.......OK, here it is just one of the many humilating stories in my life.....Rewind back to approximately 1996 - I decided after I got my Bachelor's degree in Criminology (no, I don't know what the he** I was thinking when I picked a major and no I was not under the influence of any substance at the time) I wanted to be a detective, and no I cannot even blame it on the Law & Order or CSI craze because those shows weren't even on back then...(this is of course long after the original dream of being an FBI agent was squashed by getting married and having a child - which was not actually squashed by those two events more so the thought of having to go to Quantico, VA and leave said baby for months along with relocate to god knows where after completion of training - if by some miracle I passed..) So that dream revised.....Since we live in a small rural town you don't just go work at a police department here and be a detective you have to work your way up (which I didn't really think sounded like fun...) So hubby (who at the time was a police officer) suggested the fastest way for me to move up would be in a big department, such as the Memphis PD.


I think about this and think Well, why not? So I call them, and start the process. Get the little info pack then move on to step 2 which is a "physical fitness test" scheduled on a Sat. morning - read what all it entails and am thinking if some big overweight donut eating guy or squirrely lil' Barney Fief guy (don't ya just love that sterotype...) can do it surely I can.... So off I go on my big adventure....Get there and it is pretty crowded, have to wait in line and go thru various stations like a grip strength test and some other easy stuff....On to the gym - a.k.a site of my public humiliation...


The obstacle course from what I can remember and haven't blocked out with my post-traumatic stress went something like: Running around the entire circumference of the gym twice - while successfully navigating several obstacles like: a 4-5 ft. (which seemed like 10 ft. ) high balance beam you were supposed to scale over, a set of like 8 tires in a row you had to run through, a huge wooden box like structure about 3-4 ft. high you had to get over, a set of stairs you had to run up and down, then another padded structure you had to climb/jump up on run down and jump off of. This was timed and you received a time penalty if you skipped something....


So lets start with the balance beam (since that was the very first obstacle I came to)- yeah, the first time around I actually attempted this (which got several men laughing so uncontrollably I felt like I was Richard Pryor at the Appollo these people were laughing so hard at me) picture my scrawny little Olive Oyl arms with no upper body strength attempting this - after the third attempt which I swear to God left me hanging upside down underneath the damn thing the instructor looked at me pitifully and with disdain and said "just go around it".....(I have flash backs to Full Metal Jacket and the sarge yelling "do you think god is gonna miracle your a** up there Pyle?") so I keep going - ace the tire thing then stumble through and some how manage to get over the wooden obstacle , up and down the stairs (at this point I am panting like a dog but determined to get through this) and over the last obstacle....


YAY me, - oh snap, there is that whole second time around thing right? Yeah, and at the end of this one I get to drag a 150 lb. dummy x number of feet in the middle of the gym....So lap 2 I am gasping for air at this point - ain't even gonna attempt that freaking balance beam - just run on around it and back thru all that other crap ( I am sure this was extremely disappointing to my fans who were still trying to catch their breath from laughing at the first attempt) - I am thinking what a way this is gonna be to go when I have a heart attack right here in the middle of the Memphis Police Academy gym surrounded by people laughing their butts off at me.....To say I have a "stitch" in my side is putting it mildly - I can only imagine at this point I look like RainMan running and stumbling....I am looking around for EMT's and maybe a tank of oxygen.....Since God apparently has a sense of humor, I somehow make it thru all the crap and manage to drag that stupid dummy past the stupid x on the floor. I leave there knowing that there is no way I will ever be seeing the inside of this place again as long as I live (and not disappointed in the least) I have never in my life had "lung burn" so bad - it hurt incredibly to breathe whether it was thru my nose (when I could stop panting) or gasping thru my mouth... After a phone call home to describe how I did (which I believe hubby had the nerve to actually snort as he laughed at me) I called a friend just to let her get her jolly's at my expense too (because really what are friends for?). But wait - this is the funniest part of the story..... (I think I just snorted from laughing while I type this...)


They called me a couple of weeks later and wanted to know when I wanted to come for my interview?!?......


Umm, yeah, right.....How 'bout somewhere along the lines of pigs flying and ice-skating in hell? Guess there must really be something to departments having to hire minorites (me being a white woman applying for the Memphis PD) so there you have it folks you don't have to thank me, but trust me if any of ya'll shop, or travel to Memphis you are probably MUCH safer this way.....

Standing on the soapbox

First of all must say we survived hell week, Drama Queen made cheerleader again (in spite of the spray painted shoes - which yes, she wore) prior to this however, on Wednesday of last week I get the note that really gets me going about the whole BMI thing (for anyone reading this not in Arkansas this is a state law here from when our previous governor lost a bunch of weight, got healthy and decided he would "save" all the state's children from the horror's of childhood obesity....)

This royally ticks me off.....I have never liked it, but with Drama Queen it hasn't been a real big deal because she is skinny (although funny thing is she has been "borderline" on a few reports before.....But, now enter my sweetheart...My 8yr. old son who is very self conscious about his "baby fat" no matter how many pictures I have shown him of Drama Queen at his age (with her cute little chubby cheeks) it is very hard for him to believe that a growth spurt is coming, and he will slim up as he grows taller....I would have never thought I would have an 8 yr. old son who stresses about "being fat". He is constantly pinching his belly and saying I am so fat, mom can I go on a diet?" (of course this is frequently followed up by a Little Debbie - which I am guilty of having in the snack drawer - so he isn't too serious about it....)So when I get the note that 2nd grade BMI's will be done Friday (last week) I promptly call the school to find out if a note will suffice to get him out of this or should I just keep him home from school? I was advised just send a note. One thing that irritates me about this is that the letter talks about how this is a new mandatory state law and never once mentions you could send a note if you didn't agree with this....So most parents either a.) don't care or b.) didn't realize you could do this.....

Do I really need a school nurse to weigh my kid and then get an official report in the mail telling me his BMI - Do I want one? H*ll to the no....Get for real people....first of all funny to me how this is such a priority but a few years ago they took away their second recess to add more classroom time (now, how 'bout ya'll but I remember running around the playground and playing when I was a kid - which I am quite sure burned a few calories.....) They only get like 15-20 minutes a recess per day now I believe, and PE what - once a week? Secondly, do you think any undereducated or poverty level parents really comprehend this or this is a priority? Just a fine example of stupid government bureaucrat BS in my personal opinion......and what about body image? Even though this is supposed to be "completely confidential" and even if no other kid sees what another one weighs, does someone who already thinks they are fat need to see a big number on the scale to make them feel any more miserable? Bet this would end real quick if all the administration and teachers had to do it too...... (Not to dis any of my teacher friends, but I bet some would be ticked - I would be if I had to do it - and I am skinny - it just ain't nobody's business what ya weigh - that is just down right rude to ask.......)

My last thought on that being weight is not necessarily an indicator of "fitness" as I said I am blessed to be tall and am slender, however, I am no more fit than someone larger than me....Drama Queen drug me to the gym two weeks ago and I truly felt like I was gonna puke after 25 minutes on the elliptical in fact came home and laid out on the couch red faced, panting like a dog, sweaty and such. I tried the Wii fit stuff Kaye does and it even kicked my butt...On that note, stay tuned for a hilarious story when I work my nerve up to tell ya'll about my physical fitness test for the Memphis Police Academy years ago ( I had actually forgotten repressed, blocked out the memory until husband brought it up one day (CB you should remember this...) let's just say there is a reason I ain't a cop people.....

Hell week...

That is what we lovingly call this week at our house which is the week of - cheerleading tryouts....It is stress and drama and I ain't even the one trying out (although I did years ago when I was in school and was always overwhelmingly rejected - and see I survived - with very few emotional scars) I may have survived seemingly unscathed because my best friends were always cheerleader rejects like me, (shout-out to ya CB) so I wasn't alone.....

The problem is drama queen likes cheerleading (a lot) and made the squad last year....I thought the worry last year was bad - because of the whole "what if all her friends make it and she doesn't type thing", but now I realize that this stress will continue throughout the rest of our jr.high/high school years (unless I guess the sky falls or she ever decides not to try-out) because it is now more stressful I think this year since she has been a cheerleader worrying about again if all her friends make it and she doesn't and on top of that now how bad it would be to have been a cheerleader and not make it....There is no guarantee that just because you make it once you will make it again, there have been girls in the past who have been really good cheerleaders and for some random reason not make it - (they messed up on their dance routine, or cheer etc....) So that is the current status of affairs at our household. She has handled the stress fairly well until last night when a mini-melt down occurred.......

Rewind to last years try-outs I go buy a pair of $40-50 pair of shoes for her to try-out in (because they are supposed to be solid white) which she wears, then makes the squad and we have to buy another pair of cheerleading shoes (so the whole squad has the same shoes) she then starts wearing the try-out shoes to school, to stomp in the mud, and god knows what else......Back to the present.....I see absolutely no point in buying another pair of tryout shoes because:

1. she will wear them only one day for tryouts
2. she just got a brand-new pair of tennis shoes less than a month ago
3. I am unemployed at the present
4. If she makes it then I will have to (again) buy another pair of shoes that the whole squad has to buy so they match

So I wash old shoes, buy new shoe strings, etc..- they are still a little dingy so I get the idea (yes, I am cheap) to spray paint them white because really is anybody gonna look that damn close at her shoes?

So I do, and she gives me the questioning look like are you kidding me? She doesn't say a lot and I tell her if I totally screw them up I will buy her another pair (which I have not intention on screwing up) I do this and they don't look bad, - not perfect - but not bad.......So last night she asks (all doe eyed looking) Mom, what shoes am I gonna wear for try-outs? I say "The ones I painted" The look was beyond pitiful...(Picture a mix of horror, tears, and a little oh my god you wouldn't possibly ruin my life and make me a social outcast like that would you? mixed together) Her daddy witnesses this look and goes ballistic and says Well, let me just run out and buy you a pair - shall I take off work tomorrow to do that? What else do you need - just make a list new shorts? shirt? bag? Now she immediately brightens up at this prospect - not realizing he is being totally sarcastic and snide - Then he proceeds to rant about it for the next 30 mins (I am guessing on this because after 14 years I have learned to block all his rants out - I go to the happy place in my mind when this starts and develop a blank stare) At some point she realizes he is a little less than sincere, but in continuing with the lunacy he proceeds to instruct me to make sure I go tomorrow and buy her the new shoes and deliver them to her at school before cheer practice today, and if I can't find any in town call him so he can get them before he comes home...

So now I am ticked because he has managed to make me look like the bad guy and become the hero - drama queen senses this and comes to sit by me and say Mommy are you mad at me (Mommy? yeah when is the last time I have been called that by her - she is really laying it on thick...) She then starts in with you know I have looked at them and they really don't look that bad in fact I think they look better than they did last year because they are shinier?!? Little does she know I have the market on reverse psychology cornered at our house - I am immune - so I jumped on that one and said OK good, then I won't worry about getting you anymore (HAHAHAHA - Score one for mom)...Now, before I brag too much I will say she took them to wear today to see if anybody noticed so I am not completely out of the woods, if someone makes a snide comment about them I will drive to their house and kick their butts be at Hibbett's tomorrow shelling out $40-50 for a new pair.....Wish me luck, although I am sure that if God forbid she does not make it and she wears those shoes it will be all MY fault...... Gee, I wish I had about 3 more teenage girls....

P.S. Bare with me as I play with the backgrounds on my blog a bit, Kaye (thanks!) helped me make it 3 column, but now my cute zebra pattern won't work and I haven't found one I like as much, and I still can't get my new header to work.......

God grant me serenity

I am asking for serenity, because I am guessing God will not drop off a 2liter of Benihana punch (my favorite alcoholic drink) on my doorstep....Last night 2yr. old managed to pour a whole bunch of Dawn dish washing liquid on the kitchen floor, (which we have no clue how in the world he got since it was on top of the sink - although he has turned in to quite the climber...) he got into lot of trouble for that one because his daddy got in on that action.....

This morning, while I am trying to be productive and unload/load the dishwasher, this is what he occupied his time with:

and no it is NOT puke, any guesses?

that, my friends is the result of poured out liquid paper mixed with water (the same liquid paper I have been looking for - for about a week) FYI - liquid paper does not easily wipe off the floor it merely smears around...Fresh from the Dawn incident last night, I am ticked. I spank his butt (oh yes, I am one of those spanking people) AND set him in his room on his step for a time-out (translation - small break of time for me to regain my composure and not continue spanking him). Ignorance at this point is bliss.....

I go sit down at the computer (because I now deserve some Internet time - having done my productive thing for the day - the dishes, remember?) and Jesus. Mary. Joseph. and the disciples - this is what I look up and notice....

That would be my entertainment center I did not notice he expressed his artistic ability on with the liquid paper... (they do not stand out well, but if I wasn't so lazy I would zoom in on this picture to show you the red ponytail holders holding the doors together - a previous attempt to keep him out of the doors and from emptying all the contents on the floor - really folks, believe it or not I have tried childproofing, he is either exceptionally smart or the manufacturer's are dumb because he can find his way around just about any obstacle....)

Yes, mini-Picasso got the couch too, and the TV tray, and the stereo speaker on the other side of the fireplace, and the fireplace. Not only is he talented, he is quick, too, because I was only 30 feet away in the kitchen with the door open peeking at him from time to time so I am guessing he did this in the 3.9 seconds my back was turned putting plates in the cabinet maybe?

There are reasons he still goes to the babysitter 3 days a week, even though I am not currently working....

1. my sanity

2. my gray hair he insists on adding more of

3. I am not on any medication (which at this point I am beginning to consider )

4. There are people out there (like my babysitter) who actually enjoy little kids (which at this particular moment I am not sure I do - love them yes, like them - not so much, as I try to figure out how in the he** to get liquid paper out of fabric)

5. Did I mention my sanity?

If there is a positive side to this I was thinking about that program where high school kids get dolls to take care of and thinking maybe I could make money renting him out as an abstinence program at the local high schools. He is old enough to talk, so they couldn't forget to feed him, and trust me some of those dirty diapers won't let you forget about them either - a dark cloud of odor follows around so you can't forget that....So really I think it could be beneficial to both parties....

Of course I can't call and run that by the administration because getting on the phone invites more mayhem. While telling my eventful morning to my friend on the cell phone (because really what else can he possibly do today to top the liquid paper?) he pops up in the living room with a egg in each hand. By the time I get in there to put those up he is throwing the empty milk carton away. Since I don't see the milk poured on the floor I have to ask "What did you do with the rest of the milk?" To which he shrugs and says "poured it down the sink" Well, of course you did...............................................AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!......................I may kiss the babysitter when I drop him off tomorrow....................... She is getting an awesome birthday present and Christmas gift this year for sure!