To Serve and Protect - NOT

I know the suspense has been killing ya right?.......OK, here it is just one of the many humilating stories in my life.....Rewind back to approximately 1996 - I decided after I got my Bachelor's degree in Criminology (no, I don't know what the he** I was thinking when I picked a major and no I was not under the influence of any substance at the time) I wanted to be a detective, and no I cannot even blame it on the Law & Order or CSI craze because those shows weren't even on back then...(this is of course long after the original dream of being an FBI agent was squashed by getting married and having a child - which was not actually squashed by those two events more so the thought of having to go to Quantico, VA and leave said baby for months along with relocate to god knows where after completion of training - if by some miracle I passed..) So that dream revised.....Since we live in a small rural town you don't just go work at a police department here and be a detective you have to work your way up (which I didn't really think sounded like fun...) So hubby (who at the time was a police officer) suggested the fastest way for me to move up would be in a big department, such as the Memphis PD.


I think about this and think Well, why not? So I call them, and start the process. Get the little info pack then move on to step 2 which is a "physical fitness test" scheduled on a Sat. morning - read what all it entails and am thinking if some big overweight donut eating guy or squirrely lil' Barney Fief guy (don't ya just love that sterotype...) can do it surely I can.... So off I go on my big adventure....Get there and it is pretty crowded, have to wait in line and go thru various stations like a grip strength test and some other easy stuff....On to the gym - a.k.a site of my public humiliation...


The obstacle course from what I can remember and haven't blocked out with my post-traumatic stress went something like: Running around the entire circumference of the gym twice - while successfully navigating several obstacles like: a 4-5 ft. (which seemed like 10 ft. ) high balance beam you were supposed to scale over, a set of like 8 tires in a row you had to run through, a huge wooden box like structure about 3-4 ft. high you had to get over, a set of stairs you had to run up and down, then another padded structure you had to climb/jump up on run down and jump off of. This was timed and you received a time penalty if you skipped something....


So lets start with the balance beam (since that was the very first obstacle I came to)- yeah, the first time around I actually attempted this (which got several men laughing so uncontrollably I felt like I was Richard Pryor at the Appollo these people were laughing so hard at me) picture my scrawny little Olive Oyl arms with no upper body strength attempting this - after the third attempt which I swear to God left me hanging upside down underneath the damn thing the instructor looked at me pitifully and with disdain and said "just go around it".....(I have flash backs to Full Metal Jacket and the sarge yelling "do you think god is gonna miracle your a** up there Pyle?") so I keep going - ace the tire thing then stumble through and some how manage to get over the wooden obstacle , up and down the stairs (at this point I am panting like a dog but determined to get through this) and over the last obstacle....


YAY me, - oh snap, there is that whole second time around thing right? Yeah, and at the end of this one I get to drag a 150 lb. dummy x number of feet in the middle of the gym....So lap 2 I am gasping for air at this point - ain't even gonna attempt that freaking balance beam - just run on around it and back thru all that other crap ( I am sure this was extremely disappointing to my fans who were still trying to catch their breath from laughing at the first attempt) - I am thinking what a way this is gonna be to go when I have a heart attack right here in the middle of the Memphis Police Academy gym surrounded by people laughing their butts off at me.....To say I have a "stitch" in my side is putting it mildly - I can only imagine at this point I look like RainMan running and stumbling....I am looking around for EMT's and maybe a tank of oxygen.....Since God apparently has a sense of humor, I somehow make it thru all the crap and manage to drag that stupid dummy past the stupid x on the floor. I leave there knowing that there is no way I will ever be seeing the inside of this place again as long as I live (and not disappointed in the least) I have never in my life had "lung burn" so bad - it hurt incredibly to breathe whether it was thru my nose (when I could stop panting) or gasping thru my mouth... After a phone call home to describe how I did (which I believe hubby had the nerve to actually snort as he laughed at me) I called a friend just to let her get her jolly's at my expense too (because really what are friends for?). But wait - this is the funniest part of the story..... (I think I just snorted from laughing while I type this...)


They called me a couple of weeks later and wanted to know when I wanted to come for my interview?!?......


Umm, yeah, right.....How 'bout somewhere along the lines of pigs flying and ice-skating in hell? Guess there must really be something to departments having to hire minorites (me being a white woman applying for the Memphis PD) so there you have it folks you don't have to thank me, but trust me if any of ya'll shop, or travel to Memphis you are probably MUCH safer this way.....